Being a teenager is a weird feeling. You feel a step closer to being an adult but you’re not quite there yet, you know you are not a child no more but you aren’t an adult too. You’re just hanging in this limbo between kid and young adult. And that’s how I felt when I was a teenager too, in the middle of nowhere. I felt annoyed in school, especially when my teachers babysat me, ” I ain’t no goddamn child! Stop treating me like one!” is what I thought. But when they started treating me like adults, “Dude, I am just a child how hell was I supposed to know that..” was what I thought. I was a very angsty teen.
But why is that? What contributed to the ball of angst that I was. Was it the physical changes to my body due to puberty? Was it the fact that I had the child’s face on a somewhat adult body? Or was it the fact that I mentally couldn’t be a child anymore and had to grow up even though as any kid would know, that growing up was the dream. If that’s the case then that opens a whole other discussion. Was I not like other kids? What am I doing wrong that makes me angsty while growing up? And that opens up a whole other discussion on whether I am just delusional and self-centred think that I’m “different” when I’m just the same as everyone else… The spiralling just doesn’t stop.
To me I felt that insecurity and over thinking caused me to feel angsty and anxious all the time. Thanks to that I was always cautious to open up fully. I tried to play both sides of the spectrum. I had the reputation of being the fun guy, so I wanted it all. I wanted everyone to like me no matter what. But then sometimes I took things too far, in my pursuit of being liked by people, I pretended to be nice. On the other had, I would say things to people that were uncalled for- just to impress others who’s opinions mattered to me. They weren’t deserving of the things I said yet, I didn’t have the courage to say that I am sorry.
And thats the thing. By playing both sides you make no one happy. I didn’t give my friends enough assurance by not opening up, I really cared about what other people in school thought about me when the only thing I knew about them was their name. What I failed to realise was that I didn’t want anything to do with them either, I didn’t really need more friends because I was lonely or anything, I just wanted to be cool.
Looking back now I knew how stupid and superficial it was to care about silly things like this, in the end everyone finds their own path and moves on to achieve their life’s purpose. So why didn’t I get it then?
That’s easy, I didn’t do any form of reflection then. The scariest thing about growing up is learning to be accountable. There is only so much that your parents and teachers can do for you before you are tossed out into the real world expected to provide for yourself being all alone. I hated that I had to start taking responsibility for myself. I hated the fact that my own actions have consequences. I hated growing up.
In the end I realise now that what I was angsty about amidst the confusion, hormones and puberty, was just the fact that I was growing up. Learning to accept that fact however is the first step of growing.
It was only recently, through the help of my support system that I was finally able to get my head out of my ass and started taking responsibility. It was so hard for me to take a look back at my attitude and actions back when I was in school because it hurts to see myself being that way. Being such a humungous asshole is not the way I wanted to be seen as and yet that was the impression I gave off. That was probably the reason why I hated myself the way I was too. I hadn’t grown up yet.
Without being accountable you will never lose, and without losing you will learn more about yourself and your actions and its effects on others. You could walk around thinking you are the most self righteous person on earth when you actually are just a bigot.
This is why self reflection is so important to me. Being able to reflect is putting yourself out there and being vulnerable. Vulnerability allows you to break out of your current mould, it allows you to grow. You owe it to yourself to be better with or without anyone. I am very grateful of my support system who had to deal with me during my struggles but in the end all I needed was a little bit of time and effort to set things right. And just like that things worked out for themselves.
All you need is a little nudge in the right direction. Self acceptance and learning to truly love yourself is a losing game. Doubt and insecurity lurks at every corner waiting to strike at any shameful moment. It is ok to lose, every time you lose you get the opportunity to ask yourself the hard questions, “Why did I act like this” or “Was that really necessary?” lastly, “Could I have done it a better way?” Hard questions results in hard truths. Hard truths allow you to learn a bit more yourself and provide an updated way in which you interact with the world. At the end of the day, you start to win.
Reflection leads to winning.
It Never Hurts To Try
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